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June 12, 2017

THE next Queen’s Speech should really be the Queen’s and she should begin by saying that too much is at stake for petty, selfish and childish political bickering and points scoring and order Parliament to work together to advance everyone’s best interests in a powerful, purposeful coalition.
Come off the fence Betty Windsor, bang a few heads together (but don’t cut any off) and tell your government that you want to keep your Kingdom United and politically independent of Europe whilst retaining crucial, mutually beneficial business, welfare, health and cultural links with our many close friends across the channel (some particularly close to her) while keeping our currency, our legal system and our sovereignty.
There will be no costly divorces (she will certainly know about them and how they should be avoided) particularly at the end of a marriage which we were always half-hearted and hesitant about. We never really believed in our vows and that ghastly vicar kept calling us back to add new ones after the wedding service which we had no say in and did not agree with then told us we could not see any others at all ever without his permission and also, for some reason, told us where we could and could not go fishing.
We should work together to let the rest of Europe know that we will always be friends, allies and can be relied upon to be good Europeans no matter what (she will remember how we came to Poland’s aid when Germany invaded then worked hard for peace after the second world war) but we have no appetite or desire for a federalist super state which would dictate to us in new, menacing ways and take out more than we put in.
Naughty Nicola Sturgeon, Leanne “Natalie” Wood, Paul Nuttall and Tim Farron would all be ordered by the Duke of Edinburgh in a personal message littered with salty adjectives to never again appear on television or face having to spend the rest of their lives as dukes and duchesses of Berkshire.
Oh, and we would begin negotiations by insisting that we actually win the next Eurovision Song Contest regardless of how awful our song is.
Now that really would be a Queen’s Speech worth listening to.

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