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April 27, 2022

“You stand accused of being a white, older, male………To count one, how do you plead?”

“Guilty, Your Worship.”

“To count two, how do you plead?”

“Guilty, Your Worship.”

“To count three, how do you plead?”

“Guilty, Your Worship.”

“Mr Hoyle, you represent the defendant. Can you address us on his behalf before we consider sentencing options?”

“Thank you, Your Worship. My client has admitted these very serious offences at the earliest possible opportunity in order to save the court’s time and money and to dispense with the need for a trial by jury at crown court.

“He is aware of his natural culpability, Your Worship, and offers no excuses whatsoever. Indeed, he has been frank, clear and completely honest in his admirable acceptance that he is, regrettably, completely guilty of all these offences and is here today to beg leniency and to ask for mercy. A prison sentence, Your Worship, would add considerably to his not inconsiderable woes and distresses and is unlikely to lead him into a better future nor, sadly, would it in any way benefit him nor society at large, I would humbly argue. Let me be clear, he knows he is a sinner and is now obviously seeking to make amends and reconstruct his future by first fully embracing his shame, sense of complete and utter uselessness and redundancy and, of course, most of all, his offensive ageing penis and the unfortunate instincts and directions the possession of this grossly offensive symbol of all that is most degrading and damaging to polite society can, from time to time, lead him into exhibiting unacceptable entirely masculine traits.

“In mitigation, Your Worship, my client tells me that there have been no instances or episodes of predatory or scavenging behaviour nor misogyny in his recent past and he emphatically denies ever consorting with the Duke of York at any time either now or in the past and has never been in a pizza restaurant.

“He is now considering re-engineering and transforming and has told me that he likes the name Fenella, having enjoyed many films featuring the actress Fenella Fielding, particularly Carry On Screaming, which he tells me is a classic, so he may, at some future time, seek to formally adopt that name and re-purpose his life as a tribute to her. Indeed, he tells me that he has been working hard on developing a husky voice by increasing his tobacco and red wine use and has a suite of witty and diverting double entendres ready and waiting, Your Worship, and a rather fetching raven-haired wig and attractive black dress to complete the ensemble.

“He is addressing his colour issue as best he can by regularly attending tanning salons and he has invested in a consignment of pharmaceutical tanning solutions which he is able to purchase at cost. He tells me that he is quite willing, should it be your wish, to visit warmer foreign countries where he can lay in the sunshine to build up a tan, Your Worship.

“As to his age, Your Worship, he fully accepts that there is nothing he can do as he has run out of hair dye and organic, environmentally sustainable moisturiser.

“He is a man of previous good character and brings with him today references from a Mr Farage and a Mr Morgan. He knows the gravity of the offences and is ready to commit to any community order or any similar sentencing option requiring him to do voluntary work with other similar offenders to offer society some meaningful compensation.”

“Thank you, Mr Hoyle. I am grateful to your client for making a clean breast of it at the earliest opportunity and thank him for his commendable honesty. I am able to deal with this by way of sentencing him to 17 years of HARD LABOUR. Next case.”

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