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July 8, 2022
BLACK BEAUTY: Kemi Badenoch. Picture by Wikimedia.

KEMI Badenoch is the only “futureproof” answer to the Tory government’s current predicament down in the deepest mire.

I like to think that she would wait to be asked before grasping the greasy pole so it may be some time before she gets into Downing Street as the usual suspects grapple and grind in the mud and muck.

But think of the unalloyed joy in Conservative Central Office of moving from being the only party to appoint a woman leader to being the only party to appoint a black woman leader (That would shut up the odious David Lammy and Dawn Butler – negative symbols of furious black resentment – for ever).

And sensible yet sassy ballsy bombshell Badenoch – hugely authoritative and capable, hard-working, sincere and clever – would offer a much-needed tonic as the complete opposite of the slippery Boris Johnson (clearly understanding the need for loyalty and trust in family life) while smashing any bid by opposition parties to brandish the Tories as out of touch with the needs of ethnic minorities and biased towards privileged, entitled public school educated white toffs.

Here are some other options:

1, Scouse sisters Nadine Dorries and Esther McVey combine in a job share and promote a bold bid to build a new House of Commons in Birkenhead near the tunnel. Esther lives in one part of Number Ten and Nadine lives in another. Nadine does mornings while Esther does afternoons and they alternate evenings. Cabinet meetings will start with the two starting up “You’ll Never Walk Alone” with MPs (some of whom take to singing “You’ll Never Walk Again”) at PMQs encouraged to wave scarves whenever either one of them stands up.

2, Rishi Sunak and Sajid Javid combine in a similar all-male job share but trip over their own knives on the way to Downing Street sustaining self-inflicted injuries. An ambulance is called but NHS staff are not convinced that Javid is a human being at all and mistake him for the speaking clock while Sunak is too small and rich to qualify for emergency aid of any kind.

3, Chris Pincher turns Number Ten literally into a private “members only” club but takes too long hand-picking his staff after insisting that all new recruits show him their members privately so he can fully get to grips with inflation.

4, Neil Parish sensationally re-emerges proposing to drive a tractor into Downing Street but his premiership goes pear-shaped when someone points out that it wasn’t really a tractor he was looking for.

5, Tony Blair and Alistair Campbell both join the Tories in time to get back in power and immediately declare war on Scotland, sending troops to Carlisle. Alistair writes a dossier insisting that Nicola Sturgeon has been secretly building up weapons of mass distraction she could unleash on us in 40 minutes and our only hope is “regime change”.

6, Mark Drakeford is told he is the new Prime Minister but because there is no Welsh translation he refuses to believe it.

7, Winston Churchill is resurrected using breathtaking new secret MI5 powers developed in laboratories backed by big pharma vaccine pioneers until someone spoils it by pointing out that it is just Boris trying to pull the wool over our eyes again and keep his old job.

8, Prince Charles uses ancient royal rights to rule from Number Ten and turns Westminster into an “affordable housing” complex based on Poundbury but walks out in protest at a “carbuncle” nearby called Buckingham Palace.

9, The Queen decides to do the job herself from Windsor Castle via Zoom but mobility issues make it impossible for her to attend Parliament nor carry out any tasks other than the weekly audience with the Prime Minister, for which a mirror is produced by flunkeys.

10, Meghan Markle flies in to take the reins after Harry agreed that she should because he’s a feminist. It starts well but hits the buffers when her deputies Oprah Winfrey and Whoopi Goldberg are marginalised by racial-gender microaggressions at the first PMQs and they all need therapy.

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