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December 25, 2022

“LEG OR BREAST, ANDREW?” shouted Charles as he wielded the carving knife over the enormous roasted Duchy of Cornwall organic, free range bird, his mouth watering as he prepared to plunge in to slice, dice and savagely cut.

“What?” said Andrew, permanently puzzled and wan with a disturbing whiteness in his jowls and a faraway look in his eyes seemingly made more frantic by the slightly demonic look in Charles’s right eye as he lowered the blade.


“No, I don’t recall seeing her at all and anyway I was in Pizza Hut so I couldn’t have,” he replied.

“He likes a bit of both, don’t you Porkie” said Fergie, adding large dollops of bread and cranberry sauce to her own plate.

“Yes, I’d heard that,” said the Queen Consort, putting down her fifth Marlboro light.

“Oh,” he laughed drily in relief. “Yes, I’ll have a bit of both, thank you.”

“Whose got the gravy boat?” enquired Edward, sheltering at the bottom end of the rectangular table.

“We’re all on the gravy boat here, eh Simkins,” volunteered Mike Tindall, impishly aping the late Duke of Edinburgh with his ready wit and nautical industrial joshing while winking at the dinner service butler warming his posterior in front of the grand Sandringham fireplace.

“You’re a celebrity, get me out of here,” said wife Zara, taking an opportunity to consolidate her position in the double act and gently rib her other half.

“Is that little Matt Hancock you’ve got in your trousers, Mike, or are you just pleased to see me,” said Camilla, her throaty nicotine-heavy breath wafting over the bird and almost putting out the candles.

“While we’re talking about celebrities,” said William, “I wonder what Harry and Meg are doing now?”

“Probably been stuffing the bird,” said Catherine.

No, I don’t recall seeing her at all and anyway I was in Pizza Hut so I couldn’t have,” Andrew suddenly piped up certain, yet again, that the conversation was about him.

“No, they mean Meghan Markle NOT that bloody Guiffre woman, Porkie” explained Fergie, as she helped herself to another large spoonful of sprouts.

“Oh her,” said Charles “I expect they’ll be having a nice meal on the beach. They’ll be basking and bathing at some point.”

“Yeah, basking in their own jaundiced juices and bathing in their own Netflix bloody bloodbath,” said William icily.

“Now then, now then,” said Camilla, her tongue lolling and properly unleashed like one of her nags in distress on a gallop “this is not the time for family rows. We’ve got a new King now and a new Queen.”

“Queen Consort,” said Princess Anne, “it’s not the same thing, dear,” she added while motioning to Tim to pass the salt.

“It looks like a lovely tender bird. There’s nothing like tucking in to a tender bird is there?” said Charles.

No, I don’t recall seeing her at all and anyway I was in Pizza Hut so I couldn’t have,” Andrew exclaimed.

“No, he was talking about the turkey. Take no notice of him, Charles,” said Fergie, adding another roastie to her plate.

“It was a good idea to invite that Fulani woman and dear old Hussey Wussey to make up and mend at Buckingham Palace, wasn’t it,” said Edward, making room for his and Sophie’s meals by rearranging the cutlery.

“Rather,” said Charles. “Where did that bloody woman come from again?”

“Well, I think her father was just a white American but her mother was of African/American origin and that’s why she wanted that strange black Bible basher at her wedding in Windsor,” said Camilla.

“No, Fulani, not Markle,” said Charles tetchily.

“Oh I think she was originally from Africa,” piped up the Archbishop of Canterbury, sitting at a side table specially laid out for him by the servants at the end of the room.

“Yes, one of those where men bash their bongos left right and centre at all hours of the day and night causing all kinds of trouble and annoyance and consorting with unsuitable types. Probably all high on wacky baccy,” said Camilla, her eyelashes almost catching fire as she peered into the candlelight.

“What, you mean one of those places where you get all sorts men turn up and they get a very young girl to get out her maracas?” said Fergie, gripping the gravy boat.

No, I don’t recall seeing her at all and anyway I was in Pizza Hut so I couldn’t have,” said Andrew.

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